Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A World Gone Mad

Sometimes, in my occupation, I am amazed at the people encountered.

Overheard in court by a woman who failed to make numerous payments: “It is their fault, your Honor. They know I have a bad memory and they didn’t tell me I missed a payment.”

Argument by attorney for why he failed to appear for a court date: “I suffer from narcolepsy. I can’t tell whether this is a dream or reality even as we speak.”
The Judge: “Uh…then should you be practicing law?”

When we enter a case on behalf of a client, we use the term “Appearance” as in, “Attorney John Smith appearing on behalf of the Plaintiff…” I was told a few months ago by an unhappy client he wanted me to file my “disappearance” immediately. Didn’t know I could do that, did ya?

Me: Look, we have been talking for over an hour. Time to fish or cut bait.
Woman: Fish or….what?
Me: ‘Fish or cut bait.’ A saying that it is time to make a decision one way or another.
Woman: Oh, like “Shit or get off the pot”?
Me: Well—yes that is a more common way of saying it.
Woman: How DARE you use language like that!
Me: I…er….uh….what?

Judge: If I ordered you for a drug test right now, could you pass?
My Client: [contemplating very hard] How many days back do those go?
Judge: That would be a ‘No.’

Client: I go to AA three times a week.
Judge: Say the Serenity Prayer.
Client: Our Father, who art in heaven…

I get checks from defendants with a drawing of the middle finger in the memo section. Or the words, “Blood Money.” “30 Pieces of Silver.” My favorite was the 70-year old lady who very sweetly informed me she was praying every day God would kill me. So far, I have managed to escape, but I think her prayers will eventually be answered!

Today I heard of a man attempting to get a restraining order…against his neighbor’s cat.

What have we come to?


  1. Geez Dag,

    As a fellow de-convert, I have to admit my favorite is also the sweet old lady praying for you to rot in hell. That is what would happen, eh? Both she and God know you aren't going to heaven. You must be particularly evil to not even merit a prayer that you might repent? I want to join her church. So much for loving your 'enemy.' Naturally, as an infidel, I relish stories like that...I guess I really do deserve hell.

    Next, there's a tie between the narcolepic and the woman who put her word in your mouth rather than fish. Perhaps these two should switch places, she did manage to leave you speechless, maybe you should hire her.

  2. You know how stupid the average* person is? Well, by definition, half of them are even stupider.

    *Yes, I know it should be the median.

  3. I think the restraining order would work a lot better against a dog. Cats like to flaunt their anti-authority, and nothing will make them flaunt faster than a restraining order. Dogs can be trained, at least.

    But I do find the lady who is praying for you to rot in hell chilling. I sincerely hope she hasn't thought of the full ramifications of that prayer. Otherwise, she's looking like a bit of a monster. She's wishing you to be cut off from love, light, justice and suffer for an eternity. Isn't that approaching sadism (non-sexual sort), in a way?

  4. Hysterical post. I loved the lady who wants God to kill you. Sounds like you'd have enough fond memories of being a lawyer to write a serio-comic novel.