Sometimes, in my occupation, I am amazed at the people encountered.
Overheard in court by a woman who failed to make numerous payments: “It is their fault, your Honor. They know I have a bad memory and they didn’t tell me I missed a payment.”
Argument by attorney for why he failed to appear for a court date: “I suffer from narcolepsy. I can’t tell whether this is a dream or reality even as we speak.”
The Judge: “Uh…then should you be practicing law?”
When we enter a case on behalf of a client, we use the term “Appearance” as in, “Attorney John Smith appearing on behalf of the Plaintiff…” I was told a few months ago by an unhappy client he wanted me to file my “disappearance” immediately. Didn’t know I could do that, did ya?
Me: Look, we have been talking for over an hour. Time to fish or cut bait.
Woman: Fish or….what?
Me: ‘Fish or cut bait.’ A saying that it is time to make a decision one way or another.
Woman: Oh, like “Shit or get off the pot”?
Me: Well—yes that is a more common way of saying it.
Woman: How DARE you use language like that!
Judge: If I ordered you for a drug test right now, could you pass?
My Client: [contemplating very hard] How many days back do those go?
Judge: That would be a ‘No.’
Client: I go to AA three times a week.
Judge: Say the Serenity Prayer.
Client: Our Father, who art in heaven…
I get checks from defendants with a drawing of the middle finger in the memo section. Or the words, “Blood Money.” “30 Pieces of Silver.” My favorite was the 70-year old lady who very sweetly informed me she was praying every day God would kill me. So far, I have managed to escape, but I think her prayers will eventually be answered!
Today I heard of a man attempting to get a restraining order…against his neighbor’s cat.
What have we come to?